..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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