dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
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