I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
