Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
