I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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