I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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