Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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