He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
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