Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
