My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
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