Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I need to align my fucking chakras
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Randomize
