Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
Randomize
