its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
