Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
You made out with two different species that night
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
