someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
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