he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
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