This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Randomize