Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
