so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
The power of my boobs compel you
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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