I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Couch. On fire.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
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