Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Randomize
