I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
