loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
