Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
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