I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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