home. puking in laundry basket.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
My breasts were aching with rage.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
