last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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