I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
