things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
I know her cup size but not her name....
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