she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
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