Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
