I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Randomize
