I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
