I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
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