i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
