Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
