i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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