shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
