I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Randomize
