Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
You are the jesus of drinking
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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