its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
