Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
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