Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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