Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
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