My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Randomize
