I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
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