Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Randomize
