hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Randomize
