Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Randomize
