Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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