he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Why is your signature on my underwear?
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
