the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
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