My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Randomize
