Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
Randomize
