I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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