I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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