shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
