you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Randomize
