Walk of Shame. In a state park.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
