i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Randomize
